some have called it the round up of tragedy

I’ve been absent for 6 whole months. It’s startling to re-read my last post and be able to see the complete turnaround my life has taken. Is it too dramatic to say that I had no idea of the shit storm looming when I wrote about the pleasures of hot air balloons and picnics in the grass? It only makes me feel foolish. There I was living in RL and soaking up all the goodness thinking “wow, this is good stuff, this must be what everyone is always telling me about, what was I so afraid of?” and then it hit me. Actual RL and all the crap that goes along with it. Relationships, friendships, working situations…collapsing around my ears and whipping those tinted glasses right off my shocked and naive face. You’d think I’d have learnt by now.

So; I’ll get to my ranting (that thing I do so well) and begin at the very beginning*

October was cold and wet and shit. Friendships were tested, almost ruined and I wasn’t prepared for how hard a month it would be…it blurred ever so bitterly into November which was also wet and cold but more shit…so that made a nice change! Work became almost unbearable because of a new addition at the office (someone who seems to think my being a young lady will somehow interfere with my professional abilities) and the lack of their knowledge in the job they are supposed to be doing. Ironically he is supposed to be the person I report to; he told me last week to treat him like a baby and cosset him! There is only so much teeth gritting and eye rolling a person can do in a day it’s starting to give me a headache! Thankfully I had the Christmas holidays to look forward to. An entire 14 days to relax and leave the stresses of work and my life in the city behind. Or not.

A week at home and I’m feeling depressed, trapped and missing my ex more than I thought I would. Missing the traditions we’d had for the last 5 years and realising that everything really had changed forever. There was no turning back. It’s not that I want to but I think it can take a while to sink in that a door has shut and locked for good. New Years at the NBs was lovely; strained because it always is at his place but was the highlight of several months of what I would describe as Dickensian hard times!

Which became Chekhovian when my birthday followed New Year’s and the NB phoned me to tell me, on my actual birthday, that he wasn’t coming down for it. I had a pretty large group of very close and wonderful friends coming for a party the next day and suffice to say it bombed. Mostly for them I imagine as what do you do when the birthday girl is covered in her own snot and refuses to get out of a dirty, smelly jumper she claims she wants to be buried in? It’s tough. They did a damn good job and I adore them for it. Nothing’s been right with the NB since then. I am also back on the fun times medication I tried so hard to do without.

So as you can see; I am in a slightly awkward place at the moment…too many slices of my trivial pursuit game are missing which leaves me feeling all directionless and stagnant. I do crazy (i.e. stupid) things when I feel trapped. So I am clinging on, hanging in there, keeping my chin up and using every other cliché to rinse and repeat on a daily basis in order to make it to the end of the month.

I just thought a post was needed and though it be drenched in sadness at least it’s honest and it absolutely has to get better than this so the next one will be so much more entertaining. It will have tales of Hunger Games, trips to Wales and my plans for a bedroom overhaul. Eager?

*I’d say it’s a very good place to start but I’ve come to the realisation Julie Andrews lied to me! No singing families and no Captain Von Trapp!

Departing summer hath assumed an aspect tenderly illumed…

Autumn is upon us

A quarter of the year has flown by in what feels like an instant and no post from me at all! Scandalous behaviour! This is entirely because I have been busy living in RL for the past 3 months; a new sensation which has been very enjoyable and I haven’t had a moment to sit and type. Ok, I have had moments but I have spent them baking feverishly or playing cards; less feverishly but with great skill and determination. There has also been a great deal of tea drinking. All these filthy time consuming things have been carried out with friends and aided and abetted with the help of the new boy. Who is still here thankfully although I am somewhat surprised!

July was an interesting month; birthdays at swanky restaurants, watching French opera at an open air picnic in the middle of the city, finally seeing both Harry Potter 7.1 and 7.2 (note: first time new boy sees me cry I admit, shame faced, it was at the moment of Snapes demise), cat sitting for the massive ginger tom from the flat below who we have renamed Clive as it seems more fitting for a cat of his nature (although his owner did not agree!), an outdoor rock festival at a friend’s farm, pals visiting from the dizzying shores of distant lands (Luxembourg) , a whole week off work in which to lie about the flat in my pyjamas luxuriating in not being at work and finally…the Bristol Harbourside Festival! In a word – packed!

View across Bristol

August was similarly busy and happily, similarly enjoyable…many birthdays of friends to be celebrated, picnics on the downs… one weekend was so hot and delicious I was burnt and by the sun people and not wind chill! Bristol held the Balloon Fiesta and I took the new boy along for his induction to all things local and odd…I am so glad he is as bizarre as I am and gets excited by the majestic beauty and floaty nature of balloons…god, it’s just fun saying the word! We crammed as much fiesta as possible into that weekend! We watched the ascent, 84 took off I believe, and then the glow, we danced to terrible tannoy music and ooh-ed and aaah-ed at the fireworks…we ate horrific greasy burgers and gobbled down a massive ice-cream for ‘’pudding’’ and we even managed to enjoy the epic trek home which meant queuing for the bus back into town for over 40 minutes. August has also seen me subjected to an utterly new subject courtesy of NB…that of football! I know more about it now than I ever did, or thought I would, and I am still at the stage where I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing? But I have watched matches, programmes where they talk about matches, read websites and interviews where they discuss upcoming matches & old matches….in essence, lots of matchy matchness! I still prefer rugby.

And now we are into September…the NB and I saw 8 months of dating come and go…stopped for a moment…high fived and carried on. The flat mate has become a being of creativity and culture the last few months and the flat is full of drying paintings, canvases leaning against walls, paintbrushes lying here and there and classic FM (the station one always chooses for inspiration/ that regency feel) tinkling away in the background…it’s been wonderful…I feel arty by default!

beautiful friend stealer

The sad news is that the country has been subjected to mass rioting and generally awful situations; I won’t be going into my own feelings on this topic as it is complicated and I am looking positively at life at the moment…and we have seen a dear friend move (abandon us) to France with her lovely cheese adoring boyfriend. I wish them well but I miss her already. Oh and I have my arm in a sling…joyful moment of shoulder popping (not the dance unfortunately) followed by many drugs and 2 weeks in an ever increasingly annoying sling…typing with one hand is a bugger! Fact!

Swinging wildly back into happy land again; I cannot believe that in a mere few weeks from now we will have been living in the flat of joy for a year! So much has happened in the last 12 months; I feel as if I am living a different life. It is a thoroughly exhilarating feeling to think that you can pick up everything and alter your entire existence…it should be terrifying but it isn’t. Without being too gushy and in the hope that I do not hurt or offend anyone with the last lines of this long overdue post…this tumultuous year has brought me some wonderful things that I am truly enamoured with; a sense of self-worth, strength I never knew I had, an even stronger love for my friends and a person who cannot be summed up in words. He is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. He also makes bloody good tea!

Download

This month has been busy from start to finish and it really hasn’t left me much time to put together a good post, so for that I am really sorry. I’m not too sorry though because obviously ”the busy” has been pleasurable for me. Download is the main example of my joy with how busy I have been. 3 wonderful days, though wet, of some of the best live performances I have ever seen and just thinking about how amazing watching Pendulum, System of a Down and BLACK STONE CHERRY (capitals = uber joy) makes me shiver…with anticipation lol…of next year! BSC are also over in Cardiff this coming November so if you can, go and see them! Ultimately I am still on a high from the camping, raining, rocking & general awesome-ness of the entire weekend. Made all the more memorable because the new boy was also there. Also, a place to purchase tea! Rock n roll!

May time frollicks

May has dragged on and felt like the longest month so far this year. I don’t mean that in a negative way as it has been full of the most wonderous experiences, gatherings and larks but my eyes are now beginning to sting when open and my body is tired and feeling its age…the full 25 years and the full force of the desperate need for coffee in the morning. I wouldn’t change any of this though as it has been a month of life altering times which has seen me meet all kinds of new people (many of whom seem drawn to me whilst on public transport) and spend my time in the most random of ways. Recently I lolled a whole day away  on the downs (an area of green land near my flat) in the sun with the flatmate, my brother, some of the flatmates aquaintances, a gramaphone, a lot of booze and the new boy.

There was even a frisbee!

Our flat has become a hub of social activity and has seen at least 3 new faces come over to be entertained as well as the flatmates new BF*

It’s a new and shiny relationship; squeaky clean and far too sugary (for me at least as i am still at the dead inside stage) but disgustingly wonderful. It does make me happy to see her with such a glow. Of course it also works its way down into the dark place i have that becomes bitter because really, i wouldn’t mind a bit of glow myself and their amore just reminds me that new boy is bloody miles away…long distance ”relationships”…if it even is a ”relationship”…what am i doing? I’m not convinced that the basis for romance is a total obsession with tea! Sure, ok, we both do really love it (looooove it) some may say too obsessively…but is that enough? I genuinely don’t think that i will ever find anyone who has my love for the beverage and who also drinks it cold as i do (don’t judge me)…a man like that is hard to find!

My sister is having her second baby today…Bob the bump is making himself known already, lying sideways inside her and making her extra uncomfortable…charmer…i am very excited. Although i have been told i am too easily excitable…mmm..Black Stone Cherry and The Pierces have albums coming out this month which i am also uber excited about BUT i do believe that baby trumps album…i’m pretty sure…right? Terrifyingly; my younger brother is turning 13 next month! I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and it’s causing me concern…how can he be 13? I used to change his nappies, clothe him, feed him…his up and coming celebrations make me feel old and this in turn makes me want to lock him, Harry Potter style, under the stairs and make it stop!

* I am using a lot of energy in trying to keep him in fear of a flaying should he need punishment when really, i think he is just lovely.

It’s all just make believe

 

 

The very good friend of mine from the USA who posted for me in October has once again obliged me with another entry. A catch up on how things have gone for her since leaving our lovely English shores and moving back across the pond. I think she is also cutting her teeth on my blog as she has started her own! Here again is a wonderfully written piece!

 

 

I think Snow White lied to us when she said, “Someday my Prince will come.” I’ve kissed dozens of frogs, wished on countless stars, slain my own personal dragons and crossed over the rainbow….and still NO PRINCE! At this point, I have to ask, should we really be taking love advice from a woman who, although known for being the ‘fairest in the land’,  seems to only attract short weird men who demand that she keep house for them?!

 

Let’s face it; Walt Disney’s Princesses have ruined generation after generation of little girls. We’re duped into thinking the slipper will always fit, the first frog you kiss will turn into a handsome Prince, and he will rescue you from the Wicked Witch who has locked you in a tower. In reality that never happens, unless you’re Kate Middleton and when you consider the history of royal families and marriages, is she really going to get her happily ever after? What if the Wicked Witch is really just a misunderstood older sister who’s trying to protect us from getting our heart broken? What if the Handsome Prince is really a beast disguised in shining armor, destined to chew up our hearts and spew them back into our faces? What then? And where do we go from there?
The reason I ask is this – when I last left you, I was on the road to what I thought was Happily Ever After. Although things were far from perfect, I was confident that my “Prince” and I would work through whatever life threw our way. But when Life leaves you a hundred dollar note on the dresser, it isn’t until later that you realize it’s because it has screwed you. In the span of two weeks, my “Prince” ended our relationship, my 25-year-old cousin (who has the mind of a 10-year-old because of Downs Syndrome) was diagnosed with Leukaemia, a favourite uncle dropped dead of a heart attack and a family friend’s son-in-law committed suicide. Try being merry and wishing others a Happy Christmas when your whole world is falling apart from the inside out. I had to be strong for my family and friends, to be a rock they could depend on, all the while trying desperately not to drown in the abysmal waters of depression.

 

Where was the shoulder I could lean on? He had been there for so long and then he wasn’t.

 

It was then, I realized I needed to learn how to stand on my own two feet again and not depend on someone else to save me. I stopped panicking and instead of looking for the proverbial life raft, I reminded myself that I could swim on my own back to the boat. It hasn’t been an easy swim, but I am getting there.  I’ve found a new job that although pays crap is surprisingly quite rewarding (see my blog – FeelinMoodyToday.wordpress.com). I am making some small difference in the world by teaching others about Ocean and Rainforest Conservation, and getting to play with a variety of exotic critters in the process. I take out my stresses at Kickboxing and when the Texas sun is shining, I drive around topless…in my convertible (shame on your dirty minds). I still have no idea where in the world I will end up, or if I’ll ever settle down. Right now, I’m trying to focus on bettering myself and becoming the person I am destined to be – without the help of a Prince. And although I miss my UK family and friends something fierce, the Bluebonnets have never been bluer.

 

Love Always,
The English Texan. x

Three months into the year already

BSC...so.very.good!

It’s Spring, it’s getting sunnier, it was pancake day yesterday (as well as being international women’s day and I seem to remember reading something about it being no smoking day too…?) and it’s closer to the weekend than it is to Monday! I don’t ask for much I suppose. I am also ecstatic because as of last week my new flat has the internet! Yes, finally, a connection to the universe (smiling face of glee) I also have a phone line too which is pretty damn cool as it means I can plug in my beautiful black Bakelite! We are contactable to other life forms and I can plug myself in a drift off into the ether after a stressful day at work…which have been coming fast and furious since I moved. (sad face! very sad face!)

So, new obsessions with which to distract/amuse (delete as appropriate) myself…

1) ‘Alice in the Country of Hearts’. Manga.

Pretty boys!

2) ‘Castle’. New Nathan Fillion goodness of the crime fighting variety

3) ‘Black Stone Cherry’. Kentucky born band of WONDER with pure sexy rock vibes!

At the moment these three things are taking over my life…there are other elements in there, peppered over weekends, which I should mention; such as seeing friends and enjoying life outside of my own bedroom lol. Otherwise I sound like a recluse! I’ve been enjoying  trying to put myself into as many new and random situations as possible and not to think too much anymore about what I am doing or why and just go with it (unless I am crossing the road) and last weekend I went laser tagging with a group of friends which was so much fun! So much more than I was expecting it to be; my new outlook on life has been proven correct and brilliant already as a few months ago there is no way I would have been able to do it!

I can only hope the next 9 months are half as productive!

there is a time for all things…except marriage my dear!

christmas day

My aim to write a post every month has fallen short but I know I will be forgiven when I disclose my activities since my last post…I suppose it goes back as far as August, which seems such a long time ago, and a particular local festival that is held each year on a good friends farm. The weekend was amazing…the weather was warm and considerate of us campers and the music was talentedly played and more than enjoyable. All in all a super time was had by all until late into the night when I struck up a conversation with a friend of a friend…a relative stranger…who began to ask me questions about myself and my life (as relative strangers are want to do on becoming better acquainted with someone) and the answers I found myself giving shocked me. If I am brutally honest, I found them disturbing. I realised that not only was I deeply unhappy as a person but that my relationship was dangerously bad for me and contributing to this general feeling of unhappiness. My fiancé and I had morphed this past year into two people who really shouldn’t have been together any more, certainly neither of us are the people we were and it seems we have nothing in common. It hit me suddenly, a burst of realisation, which pretty much destroyed me then and there and carried on into the next day. I have to apologise to any one there because from the outside I’m certain I appeared to have become a soppy tearful lunatic for no apparent reason.

Obviously, you don’t have epiphanies like that and do nothing about them. Fast forward a couple of months and we arrive at my decision to move out and then deal with the rigmarole that this entails…finding a flat, dealing with the deposit and money aspects, packing, moving, and setting up all over again…and all before Christmas. We also had ‘stuff’ to deal with personally with each other, and separately, as well as how to tell friends and family about the wedding and what was happening…this took time and energy. It was physically and emotionally exhausting.

the tattoo

Happily now though I am ensconced in my new flat and although it is cold and leaky in certain places, I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I don’t have the internet at the moment, which I have to say is killing me, but I only have a week to go until my ”live date” & the gods of the internet connect me. I had a wonderful Christmas; I travelled all over the country seeing friends and family and I had an even better New Year in Cardiff. I’ve made some wonderful new friends in 2010 and I have had some truly memorable experiences. Both good and bad. But none are forgettable and I suppose they make you who you are. My fiance & I are working out the best way help our relationship; we haven’t stopped loving each other. I also turned 25 this January. For my birthday I finally got myself the tattoo I have always wanted.

Additionally book group was so successful last year that we have decided to run it again this year & even have some new members!  I’m feeling pretty damn good about myself, about my future and the wonderful mystery of 2011…

N.B UPDATE (January 2011) Eventually it became clear that sadly the fiance and I had to part ways.

a little extra – top 10 favourite pumpkin carvings

1) sheer star wars mastery

2) t.a.r.d.i.s-tastic

3) beautiful bioshock

4) stunning smegle

5) cute cube

6) loving link!

7) hell of a good hello kitty

8) simple space invader

9) superb shaun of the dead

10) bloody brilliant brian

all hallows eve

A very good friend of mine from the USA asked recently if she could write a blog entry for me and i feel that in honour of it being Halloween, a tradition that has become more Americanised with every year that passes, today is the day. So Octobers entry has been wonderfully written for your pleasure by a quest blogger. Enjoy!

Howdy! You’ll have to pardon this month’s entry as I’ve hijacked a certain someone’s blog for a little bit of venting…so there’s no pressure to read any further…but you’re more than welcome to if you’d like. Love, the English Texan

Once upon a time, there lived a princess who believed in fairy tales. After many years and battles with cave trolls, ogres, a Cyclops or two, <insert your favorite evil mythical beast here>, she fell in love with a foreign prince.All was magical in her life with the exception of one thing – a huge pond separated their kingdoms. After a few years of journeying to and fro across this pond, her handsome prince said, “Come away with me and experience a new life in my kingdom and all the wonders it has to offer.” Ever eager to find her happily ever after, she said yes. So she flew across the pond on a magic bird. It was not long before she arrived at the gates to his kingdom, tired but ready to begin a new adventure…

Ok, so truthfully, he is not really a prince and the only person who thinks I am a princess is my father. But, if ex-boyfriends can be ogres and crazy co-workers can be trolls then perhaps my life does have a certain fairy tale element to it.The move from America to England for six months was an experiment to see if my boyfriend and I could live together harmoniously for longer than 3 weeks at a time in some place other than a tropical paradise. At first, it seemed as though the experiment would fail miserably. I naively went into the experiment thinking I could change two decades worth of bachelorhood and all that it entails. I foolishly thought my Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet and at the end of our 6 months, I’d get my fairy tale ending. It took 3 weeks to break me. Gone were the delusions of the perfect man. Instead I was left with an irritatingly quiet, pragmatic to the point of being pedantic, ol’ fart. How ever was I going to survive?

It took some tears and the helpful advice from his family and our friends before I figured out I had some learning to do. We both did.For the first time in my life, I had to budget a household. Yes, I had lived on my own before but it was my money and if I wanted to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner and spend the grocery money on a pair of Jimmy Choo’s, well, that was my prerogative. But alas, man cannot live on high heels alone, and I was forced to do some reevaluating where my budgeting skills were concerned. I learned how to cook. And bless him for eating some of the ‘creations’ I came up with. Dinners started out coming from a can but over time, I learned how to make things from scratch that were more than edible…they were good. The crowning glory of this was my Thanksgiving dinner that we celebrated with family a month earlier then traditionally observed in the States. I won’t even get started on our battles over moving things to appropriate places in the flat. That’s a whole book in and of itself. To make a long story short, living together was hard. There were many days when one or both of us wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits. Goodness knows it would have been a lot easier. But for some reason, we didn’t.

I can’t pin point the exact day but we eventually turned a corner. The lines of communication started to flow again and I didn’t feel as if I was battling an ogre every time I needed to talk to him. We started going out on dates again and spending enjoyable time in each other’s company. We laughed together. Over silly things – like me setting the fire alarm off while cooking birthday hamburgers for a friend or accidentally putting a hole through the toilet. We learned to pick and choose our battles and how to be a bit more selfless where each other were concerned.

The last 6 months were full of incredible highs and some dark lows, but I learned a lot about myself. The only question left – would we ever live up to the fairy tale?I got my answer at my leaving do. While at the pub with some friends, I had proclaimed myself the Queen of America – well me, and 5 tequila shots. In an effort to get rid of a rather annoying drunk bloke who stood next to me, blathering on about wanting to become a professional wrestler, I introduced him to my future King, Prince Charming.

“Did you know this woman is the Queen of America?” he said incredulously.

“Well,” replied my Prince Charming as he looked over and winked at me, “I don’t know about Queen, but she’s certainly a Princess.”

preparing food by applying heat

“September: it was the most beautiful of words…evoking orange flowers, swallows and regret” – Alexander Theroux.

This month always puts me in a romantic frame of mind. My current job runs its years from September to August, as all schools and universities do, and so I stayed in the mind set of thinking that with this month comes a whole new year; with new stories and new possibilities. I feel that with August came the end of the year; taking with it the bad stories and the missed chances. You can tell from my unprosaic form of writing this time around just how painfully romanticised I become, poetic, if you will, with September here. I am not sure if it is the crisp, eye searing sunlight, the hin of russet in the trees just beginning to turn or the smell of winter seeping into the air but it always does something to me and by October I am ready to throw away all my material possessions and become a frolicking gypsy; writing poetry in the dales (any dales) whilst reclining on the lap of some imagined Byronic lover. Of course, by November I am too cold to consider this and my possessions keep me warm as I fondle various seasons I had forgotten I owed while drinking hot chocolate and by December I am so giddy with the thoughts of Christmas I have entirely forgotten it all.

So with September finally here I decided to extend the hand of romance toward my better half, it does not happen as often as it should, and suggest a renewal of date nights (one night a week being used for a date of some kind – cinema, play, dvd, meal out etc) which happily he agreed to and this week we decided to cook a (hopefully) delicious three course meal together complete with candles, mood music and an aim to end the evening in a state of languor. I should say that the impulse to cook the 3 courses, as well as more often and more adventurously, has been created by a friends cooking website which i have started reading and i recommend everyone to have a look. They are both very talented cooks! It can be found here.

Starter – pesto puff pastry canapés

Ingredients: pastry, pesto, spinach, tomato, salt, mozzarella

– roll out pastry

– cut into shapes (i used heart and star shapes as worryingly i only own novelty cutters)

– put pastry shapes onto a tray. I’ve used paper to make it all easier.

– pop them in the oven for a couple of mins to cook a little bit then take out

– steam a little spinach and drain off all the water

– spread a little splodge of pesto over each shape

– put a bunch of spinach on each canapé

– slice the tomatoes (i sprinkle them with a little salt)

– pop a piece of tomato onto each shape

– slice the mozerella up, in slices of chunks, however you like it

– put the mozerella on top of the tomato

– these go in the oven (180 fan assisted) for 10 mins max

Main courses – Thyme and lemon tuna tagliatelle

Ingredients: tagliatelli, olive oil, thyme, parsley, salt, pepper, chilli, tuna steak, a lemon

– heat a little oil in a pan and fry chilli

– add cubed tuna (with maybe garlic?) and lightly cook

– add thyme and parsley and stir

– start to cook the pasta

– squeeze the juice from the lemon and add to the pan

– grate the rind from the lemon and add this as well

– turn down and simmer until the tuna is cooked and flaky

– drain the pasta and then add it to the pan with the fish in it

– mush it about to coat the pasta and serve

Dessert – chocolate dipped strawberries

Ingredients: good quality strawberries, good dark chocolate

– boil water (in a kettle to be quicker) and place in pan

– break up the chocolate and put in a glass bowl

– put the glass bowl over the pan

– put the water in the pan on to simmer

– the steam from the water will heat the bowl and chocolate

– keep the chocolate moving (tempering it) while it melts

– be careful with this stage it is easy to ruin it and lose the gleam

– take the bowl off the heat and dip the strawberries one at a time into the chocolate

– place on a baking tray (use greaseproof paper)

– pop in the fridge for an hour at least

– eat them all and enjoy!

photos of the above delicious grub (trust me – omg) will soon be up for all to see and admire/ mock.